This morning, while sipping my tea, I immersed myself in my articles on Toxic Relationships – (Office) and Toxic Relationships – (Couples). While taking a stroll, my attention was drawn to two brothers, aged around 6-7, playing in the front lawn. The older sibling patiently guided his younger brother in learning the art of riding a bicycle, ensuring a fall-free experience with his supportive presence. Their shared delight painted a vivid picture of joy, filled with laughter and affectionate banter. I found myself enchanted by this endearing scene, contemplating how the pure love siblings share in childhood tends to fade as they grow older. The shadows of this thought forced me to write on today’s topic Toxic Relationship – (Siblings) and to share my personal feelings especially on this topic Toxic Relationship -(Siblings).
Let me tell you an anecdote from the life of my mother and her siblings. Including my mother, there were six brothers and sisters. I was in 8th class and one day when I came home from school, I found my parents getting ready to go somewhere and my mother had tears in her eyes. From my father I came to know that my mother’s youngest sister had passed away due to her prolonged illness. When my mother returned from her sister’s funeral, I came to know from her words that her eldest brother did not even come for the last rites of his younger sister. At that time, I was very young and did not have the intelligence to understand all these things. But somewhere that thing lodged in my subconscious mind.
Even today, when I remember that incident, I wonder how and why there is so much bitterness or distance between siblings born to the same parents, that no brother/sister even reaches out to his own brother/sister’s last moments. Is it anger or ego? …Don’t know actually!. It led me to ponder on the intricate dynamics of toxic relationships that can develop between siblings. I could never have imagined having so much anger or hatred toward my brothers and sisters; The mere thought would be heartbreaking. My constant prayer to God is that misunderstandings never find a place between us and that love always lasts.
Well, we don’t get to choose which family we are born into, but our families, especially our siblings, play a big role in shaping who we become. They bring both unique joys and unique challenges to our lives. Unfortunately, some sibling relationships can be harmful to the extent that they can be described as toxic.
While we are often taught to see our siblings as a wonderful blessing, it is not always that way. Ideally, siblings are supposed to be a lifelong source of friendship, support, care, and love. They contribute to our shared memories and family relationships by becoming an integral part of our identity.
Still, there are times when this is not true. Like any other relationship, siblings can sometimes be a source of pain and toxicity. This article aims to help you recognize the symptoms of a toxic sibling and guide you on how to deal with such a challenging situation.
Causes Leading to Sibling Estrangement and Sibling Abuse:
Toxic sibling relationships often lead to family boundary problems. Some parents may struggle to assert their authority or play their role as a supportive guide due to issues such as depression, anxiety, overwork, or immaturity. When young children are left to navigate on their own, it can lead to unhealthy power imbalances or entanglements. The older sibling may take on the role of pseudo-parent or take out their frustrations on younger siblings when no one is looking. If you find yourself caught in a toxic dance with your siblings, feeling trapped in a polarized dynamic, it may be a sign of a toxic sibling relationship.
Reasons why siblings may drift apart, also known as sibling discord, often include misunderstandings, differences in personality or interests, rivalries, major life changes, and unresolved conflicts. Sometimes, lack of communication or life events can unintentionally create distance. On the other hand, sibling abuse, where one sibling is abusive to the other, is characterized by power imbalances, jealousy, unhealthy behaviors, and as I mentioned above, lack of parental intervention, or overall disorganization may arise from family dynamics. If siblings are abused or growing apart, understanding these reasons can be important to foster healthy relationships and find solutions to bridge the distances that have arisen between them.
If you think you might have a toxic sibling, look for these signs.
They use manipulation to achieve their desires.
Like all manipulative individuals, toxic siblings excel at manipulation. They use tactics like constantly ignoring you, emotional blackmail, lying, and even gaslighting to get their point. When asked about their actions, they either remind you of their past favors or simply pretend events happened differently.
What makes it even more challenging is that their manipulation is not limited to just you. They extend this to your parents, persuading them for more money, attention, love, time and whatever else they need at the moment.
They assert authority over your life.
They like to be in control, even if they don’t really care about you. Especially if they are older, your toxic sibling may feel the need to run your life. It’s like they turn into substitute parents, treating you as if you’re still a little child who needs guidance. their aim? To dominate every part of your life.
If you do something against their wishes, they create chaos and resort to manipulation tactics, as we have already talked about above. And, of course, they claim it’s all for your own good.
They take advantage of every opportunity to weaken you.
Your toxic sibling doesn’t just stop at belittling your accomplishments; They actively work to make you feel small as a person, whether it’s your role as a son/daughter, parent, friend, or sibling.
In the heat of debate, they do not shy away from resorting to name-calling and the cruelest insults. What’s even more surprising is that even when they attempt to give a compliment, there is a hidden sting – this is what we call a backhanded compliment. For example, instead of a straight-up “You look great today,” they might say something like it’s great that you’ve finally decided to take care of your appearance. It seems like they’re trying to appear positive, but there’s a sneaky pokemon underneath. Can you understand what I mean?
Imagine them saying, “Wow, you cooked really well today. Looks like you’re a real chef now.” Under the guise of a compliment, they are subtly hinting that your last meal was not good. These are the sneaky tactics your toxic sibling uses to make you feel small and under their thumb.
Argumentative Behavior.
If you frequently get into arguments with your sibling, more than just the occasional disagreement, it’s a clear indicator that something is wrong.
In healthy brother-sister relationships, disagreements are resolved without resorting to name-calling or personal attacks. For example, there may be a general disagreement about where to spend family vacations. Healthy siblings will discuss their priorities, find common ground, or agree to take turns choosing. However, if every disagreement turns into heated arguments and insults are thrown around, it is a sign that the relationship needs attention.
Constant fighting indicates underlying issues that require open communication. Instead of getting into a verbal fight, it’s important to sit down and have an honest conversation about what’s really going on. This way, you can address the root causes and work towards a healthier and more understanding brother-sister relationship.
Backbiting Behavior.
If your sibling is constantly gossiping about you behind your back, it’s a clear sign that they are avoiding communicating with you directly. This behavior may be an inconvenience or, unfortunately, a deliberate attempt to damage your reputation and portray you negatively.
In healthy relationships, open and direct communication is important. For example, a supportive sibling will express their concerns to you if they disagree with your choices. However, constant gossiping indicates a breakdown in communication. Consider a scenario where you recently made a decision, and instead of discussing it with you, your sibling spreads negative opinions about your choice to others, thereby belittling you without directly addressing the issue. A negative image is created. This kind of behavior suggests the need for honest conversations between siblings to bridge the communication gap and promote understanding.
They don’t respect the boundaries you set.
Dealing with a toxic sibling can be exhausting, especially when they ignore your boundaries. It often feels like you’re constantly bending over backward to meet their needs because they don’t respect your personal space.
A toxic sibling assumes that you will comply with their requests without taking the time to understand what is appropriate for you. For example, they may make plans for a specific day and time without considering your schedule, and insist that it be done on their terms. This lack of consideration for your commitments or priorities can be emotionally draining, making it important to address and establish healthy boundaries in the relationship.
Lack of inner peace and harmony with family members.
A toxic sibling is often not at peace with themselves or other family members. They may have deep feelings of insecurity, abandonment, or betrayal, blaming their turmoil on siblings. For some people, it becomes a test, questioning whether their destructive behavior will be tolerated as a measure of true love. Others hold intense resentment toward everything and everyone and demand harsh punishment without scope for forgiveness.
As a result, they adopt various tactics, such as dominating conversations, controlling the TV remote to establish dominance, punishing others for their pain, showing anger to establish importance, and resorting to abusive behavior. Some people can become Machiavellian Narcissists, using emotional blackmail to get their way. Shockingly, there are cases of threats of legal action over family inheritance, involvement in vindictive relationships and constant blaming of parents, leading to family “division”.
These behaviors are often categorized into archetypes such as the emotional blackmailer, the victim (poor me), the narcissist, and those who blame their parents. For example, a toxic sibling may insist that their parents bear the burden of their mistakes, taking the lion’s share of the inheritance and depriving others of it. Understanding these archetypes helps deal with the complex dynamics and challenges created by toxic siblings within a family.
Lack of concern for your well-being.
We often meet siblings who don’t care much, but it becomes especially irritating when they dismiss your opinion. If their comments and criticisms make you feel more powerless than empowered, there may be an issue in the relationship, whether it’s considered toxic or not!
For example, if you share an accomplishment and their response is consistently belittling, such as saying, “Anyone could have done that,” instead of celebrating with you, this shows a lack of genuine support. In a healthy sibling relationship, even when there are disagreements, there is a fundamental respect for each other’s opinions and achievements. However, when this respect is absent, and your sibling constantly belittles your ideas or accomplishments, it may indicate a more problematic dynamic that needs attention and discussion.
How to deal with toxic siblings:
Managing sibling relationships can be just as complicated as any other relationship. However, when a sibling becomes toxic, it can be challenging to figure out what to do.
Imagine that your sibling constantly belittles your accomplishments. Instead of celebrating your successes, they belittle your efforts. In such cases, experts often suggest setting clear boundaries. Communicate calmly about your feelings and express the impact their behavior is having on you. If necessary, consider limiting interactions to protect your emotional well-being. Seeking help from friends, family, or a therapist can provide valuable perspective and coping strategies.
Remember, handling a toxic sibling is about protecting your own mental and emotional health. It is not about changing them, but about finding ways to protect yourself from the negativity they bring into your life.
Communicate your Feelings.
It may not be easy to start a conversation about the impact your sibling has had on your life, but honesty is important. Instead of the direct approach as in the example, you can express your feelings more tactfully. In a survey, many individuals expressed a desire for a more positive and loving brother-sister relationship, with less judgment and criticism.
For example, if your sibling constantly disappoints you or uses you without genuine care, it is important to communicate your feelings. You can say, “I’ve noticed that our interactions make me feel frustrated or used. I value our relationship, and I want to discuss how we can make it more positive for both of us.” ”
This open communication allows both of you to express complaints and potentially work toward improving the relationship. It’s about creating space for honesty and understanding, even if the initial reaction isn’t always positive.
Never be too Harsh.
When sibling relationships turn sour, many individuals feel a sense of loss, as if something valuable has been taken away. Constantly fighting to save a broken bond can result in losing an important part of yourself.
At some point, it is important to give yourself permission to let go. Recognize that shared genetics does not automatically guarantee a perfect friendship. While blood relations, especially between siblings, create a complex bond, this does not always translate into a healthy relationship.
Consider this: If living with a toxic sibling becomes an unavoidable reality, it complicates a person’s ability to move forward. This difficulty is often compounded when a sibling’s toxic behavior aligns with problematic parenting. For example, if a sibling constantly belittles you and your parents don’t intervene, it creates a challenging environment that can be emotionally draining. In such cases, allowing yourself to accept the toxicity and, if necessary, create distance becomes an important step in maintaining your well-being.
Set emotional boundaries.
Use “separate contact” as a valuable tool in managing relationships that does not pose a security risk. This involves setting an emotional boundary where toxic behavior is ignored, and relational contact is limited.
This concept is derived from an enduring theory of behavioral psychology known as extinction. Empowerment lies in the ability to control the extent to which one’s actions reinforce the sibling’s toxic behavior. Although it may be impossible to directly control a sibling’s behavior, you can control how much your actions contribute to it.
For example, if your toxic sibling engages in persistent hurtful behavior, detached contact might include not reacting emotionally or engaging in arguments. Instead, limit contact and redirect your emotional energy toward relationships that are respectful and nurturing. This approach allows you to protect your well-being and invest in healthy relationships.
Evaluate the impact.
Determining when it is appropriate to break ties with siblings is not a straightforward decision, but asking yourself important questions can provide insight into whether their presence is too harmful. Consider some of the following questions:
- Have you considered therapy to support your sibling?
- Did you discuss the situation with other family members and what response did you get?
- Was there a time when you were close to your siblings and what was the reason for the rift in your relationship?
- Has your sibling ever physically harmed you or broken the law?
- Does your sibling make you feel insecure?
By addressing these questions, you gain a clear understanding of your relationship with your sibling. Seeking the guidance of a therapist can provide an objective perspective and tools for dealing with challenges within the relationship.
If your sibling poses a physical threat, it is advisable to immediately withdraw from their life to prioritize your safety. However, if the relationship is not extremely dangerous, there are strategies to attempt reconciliation.
Recognizing the signs of toxic manipulation is essential in this process, and having a guide to identify these signs can be helpful in fostering a healthy relationship.
Recognize the actions (or feelings), not the person.
When emotions run high, it’s easy to become vague about the behavior and the person involved. However, labeling the person does not promote resolution; Instead, it triggers defensiveness. For example, saying “XYZ is very important” limits the possible solutions to changing XYZ’s behavior.
On the other hand, identifying the issue as “It’s a problem for me that XYZ criticizes my choices” opens the door to working on solutions to this specific behavior.
Furthermore, if I classify XYZ as “serious”, he is less likely to be receptive to what I have to say, because he will be inclined to defend himself. Still, if I express that their criticism of my choices is problematic, it creates space for constructive dialogue. This shift from labeling the individual to addressing specific behaviors encourages more effective and open discussion about the issues at hand.
Avoid retaliating for hurt; Instead, choose to ignore them.
Attempting to take revenge against the person who has hurt you often does not produce the desired results; Instead, it may leave you feeling even more hurt. The most effective way to stop your toxic sibling from hurting you is to learn to ignore their behavior or make fun of their behavior.
When you choose to ignore someone, it sends a clear message that their actions are not affecting you, reducing their motivation to continue in negative, abusive, or aggressive behavior. For example, if your toxic sibling is making hurtful comments, responding quietly rather than engaging in an argument can break the cycle of negativity. This not only protects your well-being but may also lead to changes in their behavior over time as they realize that their actions are no longer getting the desired response.
Let them be Free.
In extreme circumstances, a time may come when it becomes necessary to break ties with a brother or sister.
If your efforts to reconcile and build bridges continue to fail, it becomes important to prioritize your mental, physical, and financial well-being. Here, suggestions are for taking a break from your sibling, encouraging them to seek help, and leaving the door open for possible reconciliation after adequate time and treatment.
Maintain your boundaries, and don’t apologize for prioritizing your health. If feelings of guilt arise, consider the efforts you have made to improve the situation. Reviewing the list of actions, you took to resolve the problems may provide some solace.
At this time, therapy is highly recommended by experts. A mental health professional can help you maintain boundaries, address any family-related guilt, and guide you through negative memories associated with the toxic relationship. Therapy becomes a valuable tool in dealing with the emotional complexities associated with the decision to distance yourself from a toxic sibling.
The Bottom Line
Finally, in the complex tapestry of family dynamics, siblings often play the role of our first friends, confidants, and companions. However, memorable moments in the family lose their shine when tarnished by the presence of a toxic sibling. Their disruptive behavior casts a shadow over happy occasions such as childbirth, birthdays, and holiday celebrations.
The first step is important: recognizing the toxic signs displayed by your sibling. Once identified, you can decide how to help them, how to deal with them, or possibly how to distance yourself from them. However, it is imperative to leave no stone unturned before considering the decision to walk away and stop communicating.
Most of all, remember that you deserve better than enduring gaslighting, manipulation, and trauma, especially from a sibling. As I said in the beginning, although we cannot choose our family at birth, we have the power to choose our friends and lead a life full of positivity. So here I suggest you to maintain your closest friendship relationship among your dear brothers and sisters.
“I’d like to conclude by sharing my heartfelt feelings about my siblings. Without any hesitation or shame, I want to express my deep love for my brothers and sisters. Every day, I pray to God to preserve this love throughout my life. I still vividly remember the moment I touched my newborn brother’s hand for the first time. Similarly, during the birth of my younger sister, I gently felt her pink and soft cheeks. Those initial touches and the love that followed have kept my affection for them alive. I wish for everyone to experience and cherish such a loving bond with their siblings always.”
